We’re required to remind you that these sturdy takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we predict. -Ed.
Its a Friday afternoon within the league workplace in New York Metropolis. Commissoner Roger Goodell is simply ending up one in every of his trademark matches of raquetball verse this guys whose a gigolo however as a substitute of getting intercourse hes only a man who’s common at raquetball that will get paid to let wealthy individuals beat him.
Goodell: Good sport as traditional Lawrence.
Lawrence: (wipes the sweat from his forehead) Thanks Rog,, I allmost had ya that point.
Goodell: Its actually superb that Im nonetheless such a completed athelete despite the fact that I by no means performed soccer at a excessive degree.
Roger and Lawrence strut into the lockeroom and go for a pleasant post-sports pee. Goodell takes his pants off all the way in which to the bottom as he and Lawrence appraoch the urinals. Out of respect, Lawrence waits for Goodell to begin peeing earlier than he does.
Goodell: Bested you once more Lawrence! Gotta be faster then that to beat me
Lawrence: (Wipes the sweat from his forehead) Thanks Rog,, I allmost had ya that point.
Goodell leaves the remainder room with out washing his palms or something. At any time when hes performed peeing he simply thrust his hips forwards and backwards violentley and lets the moementum shake off the surplus pee. He goes into his workplace and Lawrence leaves to go play golf with Woody Johnson.
He receves a name on his intercom
Tim: Mr Goodell (breathes closely) Im actually exited to let you know that your 10 o clock appoinement is right here.
Goodell: Thanks Tebow ship them in.
JJ Watt walks into the workplace as hes texting a thanks message to all of his elementery college lecturers on the similar time and skyping with 100 troops on his different cellphone to thank them for there service.
Goodell: JJ, good to see you right here. Wheres your associate?
Watt: (sighs) Sorry commissoner he needs to be right here any second. Hes outdoors arguing with the cab driver concerning the route they took to get right here. It was getting fairly violent.
Robert Griffin III rolls in on his wheelchair. the wheelchair has spinners and a ultraviolet mild below it.
RG3: Sorry I used to be late however that cabdriver dosent know easy methods to use myskillset correctly so I threw him below a bus.
Goodell: Effectively of us I assume your each questioning why I known as you on this morning in your day o-
Watt: (interruptiing) There are not any days off sir.
Goodell: Sure, nicely thats very true. However I known as you each in right here as a result of theres a dire situaton on our palms. Evidently our community has been comprimised.
RG3: The NFL community?
Goodell: Thats proper. Now we have motive to beleve that enemeny combatants have infiltrated our techniques and are telling us to close down,, or else they’ll assault each stadium broadcasting a NFL sport.
JJ Watt: What do they need?
Goodell: They’ve some,, um delicate details about league circles that they’ll air if we dont comply with shut down the RedZone channel and switch it right into a soccer station.
JJ Watt: However Ive acquired apply tomorrow.
Goodell: All of the necesary preparations have been made.
JJ Watt: However Ive acquired to maintain improveing.
Goodell: I perceive JJ however I want your work ethic on this drawback.
JJ and RG3 board a B2 throughout the pacific. JJ Watt is meticulously learning movie of what the North Korean server room seems to be like and getting some reps in on the squat rack that he personally mined, welded, and hauled onto the aircraft. Griffin is “getting ready” by simply consuming a ton of gatordae and peeing out the aircraft window however his footwork and purpose is so unhealthy that none of his urine ever even hits the earth.
Watt: Robert dont you assume we needs to be engaged on are gameplan? North Korea is a excellent opponent and I simply respect the heck out of them.
RG3: Im the quickest hacker there may be its no use for me to observe movie.
Griffin throws one other empty gatorade bottle out the window however a eagle catches it and flys it again the opposite means. JJ simply shakes his head. “You realize who else solely relyed on pace for assault?” he thinks. “Hitler.”
Because the airplane flys over the lake between Japan and North Korea the 2 strap on there backpacks and laptops and put together to make the ultimate bounce.
RG3: I used to be pondering JJ we have to have like a motto or a slogan or somthing for this misison. Like “I.T.s on us” as a result of had been IT individuals. Or perhaps I used to be pondering “Code up!” You realize one thing to encourage individuals to grow to be nice.
JJ: Id fairly simply put my head down, focus, go to work and let different individuals fear concerning the slogans.
The 2 fall into the lake however Robert is a poor swimmer on account of his knees being utterly stuffed with liquid and in addition he doesnt have anymore cartiladge in them which is what sharks bones are made out of FYI. Thankfully JJ’s swim transfer is highly effective sufficient to tug them each to shore. There immediately outdoors of the North Korean laptop compound. Its darkish outdoors so JJ Watt places on his camoflauge face paint to mix in. Hes literaly placing on blackface and griffin is simply gazing him, ready for a clarification.
RG3: (Clean stare)Watt: To not be racist.
RG3: Alright cool.
They sneak into the compound and as they scale the wall JJ is handwriting a letter of assist to a girls and boys membership encourageing all of them to remain in class. The compound is rather like JJ had studied it- extremely fortified and safety cameras all over the place.
RG3: What’s it?
Watt: All these securty cameras. There positive to identify me.
RG3: Shit. Your right- you all the time present up on movie.
Watt: Hey Robert, no offense however perhaps you make a mad sprint for the digital camera energy provide. Theres not sufficient tape on you this yr for them to acknowledge you as a intruder.
RG3: Have they got Subways in North Korea?
Watt: No. Theyll by no means know its you.
Griffin takes off like a bat out of hell however journeys and falls severl instances over like ants and a pair kernals of corn and stuff and his physique goes careening wildly into the partitions and setting off each movement detector. You’ll be able to right here the ligaments snapping.
Mission Commander Mike Shanahan: Maintain him in there dammit!
JJ throws his radio off and sprints out to Griffin by the utterly empty hallway dealing with far more resistance than attempting to get round Tyler Polumbus. Watt places him on his shoulders and carries him like a bag of potatoes by the hallways, which is ironic as a result of JJs use to getting sacks of redskins. They get into the server room lastly and a exhausted Watt places Griffin down on the ground- he wants a blow.
RG3: Man I actually did alot on the market Im in all probability going to get a number of awards for my performence.
Watt: You’ve the flash drive proper?
RG3: Right here you go. (Griffins been carrying the dang factor like a loaf of bread this entire time)
Watt plugs the USB into the mainframe and waits.
Watt: Wait a second whats all this?
Watt seems to be on the monitor and notices that each one the data hes downloading are all nude footage of Roger Goodell and Robert Griffin doing poses in entrance of mirrors with one another. You’ll be able to see what could be very clearley Peter Kings bare physique within the reflections. Hes standing there with all his genitals inside a Starbucks cup that’s clearly marked “Peter King.” What a humble man.
Watt turns round to face Griffin however RG3 has a gimmicky pistol that hes pointing immediately at JJ Watt
RG3: I cant have you ever diluting my model JJ.
Watt: Your a dealer?
RG3: Im throwing you below the bus.
Watt: No offense Robert however if you happen to tried to throw something below a bus youd probly miss and hit a streetlight.
RG3: Fairly idiot! (Griffin pistol whips JJ and bloodys his nostril up. Griffin talks right into a lapel mic that JJ didnt even know he had) That is child sparrow to papa hawk, Ive acquired the goal in custoday.
The door to the server room opens up and Kim Jong Un walks in with a gun. He begins stroking Griffins cheeks like an actual creep.
Un: You probably did good Robert, you probably did superb.. As for you JJ I cant have you ever hacking into my CPU.
Watt: The one factor thats PU round right here is communsim all due respect. And Robert- how may you?
RG3: You see that is my dwelling land. I made a lie once I mentioned I used to be born in Japan,, realizing that at any time when they convey in a brand new chief to DC they by no means assume to verify there delivery certificates. I swore a alleigence to guard North Koreas model
Un: North Koreas model could be very sturdy. Stronger then SONYs, stronger then the NFLs. Only a unbelievable piece of branding on our half. As for you JJ, that is the top of the road for you.
Un snaps his fingers and 1,000 of his most loyal guards are available in.
Un: (Factors to JJ Watt) GET HIM! Destroy his model!
Actually all of them begin attacking JJ without delay. Watts use to dealing with double and triple groups however hes by no means fended off this many attackers earlier than. He begins swatting there bullets out of the air and out working all of them till finaly hes overcome by a number of hundred North Korean troopers and pinned to the bottom.
Un: Kill him.
JJ seems to be round, Griffin wont even make eyecontact with him. All of the solders put there fingers on the set off and JJ begins to look every one in every of them within the eye and communicate.
Watt: Thanks on your service. Thanks on your serice. Thanks on your service. Thanks on your service. Thanks on your service.
Its unbelevable. Hes so humble hes individualy thanking each troop whose about to kill him. One after the other, the North Korean troopers put there rifles down.
Un: This man actually will get it. Put your weapons down everybody I cant kill him. The world deserves to observe you play soccer younger man,, this show of simply how humble you might be has encourage me to carry all sanctions verse the NFL Community and the United State’s. Your redzone channel shall be restored. And its all because of this younger mans model. Three cheers for JJ Watt of us! Hip hip-
Griffin fumbles his gun which hit’s the bottom and fires a single shot immediately into Uns head, killing him immediately. Him and JJ have a look at one another, seize the flash drive and JJ dash’s out the door with Griffin on his shoulder’s and 1000 troops not having sufficient hustle to catch him.
They dive into the water the place the NFL helicopter is wating for them. Griffin farts on the helicopter your entire means again as a result of hes thoughtless, they usually arrive in New York for the debrief.
Goodell: I need to thank the each of you for safeguarding the defend. After all the world can by no means know simply how shut we got here to haveing to broadcast soccer for a whole week, however I would like you to know I respect it. I’ll leak my very own nudes, when the time is correct.
Watt: Im simply humbled that I might be of service.
RG3: Can now we have particpation trophys?
Goodell: Certain you may Robert. Certain you may.
JJ leaves the league workplace earlier than the ceremony. He has no use for indivudual awards aferall. As he sits down on his flight again to Houston he reaches into his pocket and takes out the flash drive- he had switched it out with a reproduction when he handed it again to Goodell. He tosses it round in his palms and smiles. He sends a textual content to Germany: IVE GOT THE PACKAGE- SS WATT
Angela Merkel: This man will get it IMO.